Natural selection...

I've spent a good portion of my life worrying, trying to solve other peoples problems, caring about whether other someone would approve of my decisions, thinking about "Will I get something wrong or are you sure that's right", what should I do next, look what so and so did to me, or does chicken contain arsenic and I am going to get cancer and fuck arsenic!, and other bullshit like that. And then something happened. I had a life changing event… or series of events rather. You know those times when one trauma happens after another and you are holding yourself together but you feel like you can barely breathe? Well, that was happening to me. I never thought about committing suicide. At least not seriously… sometimes I would think "what would happen if I just drove over a cliff right now?" I stopped thinking that when I began to think about baby birds that are born really high, and how its either fly or die. And then I started thinking about nature in general and you see that same model numerous times. Run or get eaten, sink or swim, eat or be eaten, and I am sure you can think of a few more. Now when I thought about driving off of a cliff I could imagine myself moving through the air rather than falling to my demise. I knew it wasn't real but it felt so good to do it. It was something so strange to my mind that it would instantly make me stop thinking about it all together. You can't fly, cars don't have wings, there is no way you should be flying right now, where are you going, how are you doing that, what is wrong with this picture, wow look at that sunset… and then as soon as I have some accepting comment regarding my new found ability to fly in my mind and I feel like anything can happen, the dream is over. Thoughts are weird aren't they! Looking back at it I realized that even when I thought about smacking into the ground really hard my mind would react the same way. I realized that whether I was thinking I would die or live on didn't matter as much as how I woke myself up.