Blame sucks balls

when I blame my past, I can’t get past myself, life stays the same, and lose the game, all I want to do is give up move away quit trying or start over, play out the same few levels that I know I can beat, and quickly distract myself before I learn defeat. The truth is that it is uncomfortable to feel uncomfortable. I have learned to avoid pain at all costs, to even ignore it when it exists. Mind over matter right? Yeah that outcome is such a terrible site. It’s not that pain makes you stronger, its that learning helps you to survive a little longer, to broaden your horizon and pave the way for a new day in a new way, with little expectation and a whole lot of exaltation, for life and all of its presents. when I blame an inanimate object, the rock I trip on for getting in my way, I deserve to fall, and if I keep doing this I am sure to hit a wall, and as much as I hate being stopped from my self-destructive path, because it hurts to stop trying to get away, it hurts so much more to know that I am destructible and that I cannot handle everything, and I don’t need to, I don’t need to take on every burden or everyone else’s burden, I don’t want anyone to feel the pain I’ve felt and that resistance destroys me, I can’t be their friend and their protector, but I know what its like when there is no one there to protect you, to scream in vain, to be helpless from the pain, and the slightest sense of discomfort reminds me of all this again, this time I am back at the beginning and I know theres a rock and I expect it to be there and I am not there to meet it or to beat it or to prove it wrong or right, I am not there to move it or to tell it what to do or to demand that it treats me better, or get it back, come to think of it maybe this rock had my back, I didn’t listen to all of the warning signs, their cries fell on def ears, I thought those warnings were for the weak, the people who can’t handle what I’ve been through, and though that might be true, I don’t need to play the game of better me than you, I don’t need to sacrifice my own happiness when I blame someone else for my problems and anger I lose friends and I destroy my character, but when I look at the circumstance, I learn how to dance my own tune, I see sheep in wolves clothing, and blessings all around, not a war zone but a secret training ground designed perfectly for my evolution in society.